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by Stefano Stefano Date Added: Saturday 19 December, 2015
, it's an emotive topic. And I keep _a href="http://pkjeect.com"_getintg_/a_ frustrated that we're all not gathering around some virtual round table, having a meeting of the minds. Which is like, really ridiculous of me. And it's also me not recognizing the value of the exchange we ARE having. I think it probably has to do with my knee-jerk separation of emotions and intellectual thought. I'm operating as if emotions have no place in an intellectual discussion. And _a href="http://pkjeect.com"_getintg_/a_ frustrated and weary when they inevitably show up. I need to work on that. I probably have emotions of my own on this topic, tucked away somewhere in there, in a drawer under a bed in a basement. I don't feel them and so I keep being taken aback when others do. Naive. I have to say that this blog has been a life line for me – knowing that there are intelligent people who really give their all to raising the level of discourse about DID – that would be you, if I were to be direct about it. I admire you greatly and I am amazed that you find the courage and stamina to do what you do so publicly and faithfully. I wouldn’t be able to make a commitment like that.That's really very kind of you. I don't think I deserve it, but I thank you sincerely. I read the post when it first came out and began typing fiercely without reflecting or tempering my feelings. Which were personal and probably ‘go way back’ as my therapist always used to say.Thank you so much for telling me that. That gives me perspective on where you were coming from. I made your comments about me when really they had to do of course, silly me with your feelings and your life experience, etc. So yeah, I did personalize your comments. But that's my fault, not yours. I tend to err on the side of arrogance, in case you haven't noticed.I do see this illness as one of denial – for me it definitely is.About not knowing what you know, yes. If that's sort of what you mean, I understand and agree. And what you said about double-think I think I get that too. I feel like, for me, that bizarre, complete and utter denial of reality did as much to cause DID as trauma and perhaps more. So it’s a personal fight for me and the stakes for me are extremely high. I’m fighting for my life.I didn't think of that. Man, why do I keep for_a href="http://pkjeect.com"_getintg_/a_ that people have feelings?! It's weird. I mean, of course I know people have feelings. I have feelings, for goodness sakes! But I don't know, it's like I get in these modes where I'm unable to understand emotions. Like a language I don't speak. And I can't figure out why we're (whoever) not on the same wavelength when the answer is right in front of me. Feeeeelings. Oh, hmmm. I have DID. Keep for_a href="http://pkjeect.com"_getintg_/a_ that too.Oh man, I love Jennifer's book that you mentioned. I read it many years ago and it really helped me. I've always had this creepy feeling, like I'm in a horror movie and everyone around me is smiling and laughing and completely unaware of the danger that couldn't be more obvious to me. When I read Jennifer's book, it was the first time I ever heard from someone who described that same feeling of being aware of a reality that everyone around you denies. That’s been my own struggle in sorting out my story and I regret that my issues spilled over and turned into something so heated.It was heated? I'm not being deliberately obtuse I thought it was this frustrating total miscommunication. Heated means emotion to me. Maybe I get emotional and I don't even know it?! I don't know, I'm all confused about myself now.There really is room for us all, room to disagree, and I think there might also be room to agree that a bit of drama might be part of (some of) our DID lives too.You know what? You're right. Drama is part of our DID lives. I keep for_a href="http://pkjeect.com"_getintg_/a_ these really obvious things. I get in my head and all of that emotions, drama, etc. seems nonsensical. But it's not nonsensical. I don't think I'm going to be able to remember this. I hope you'll remind me now and then. Emotions are natural, a little drama is too. Especially when we're discussing complex issues like memory and dissociation and trauma. Good heavens, there's no way I'm going to remember that. It's like trying to hold onto something very slippery. I'll try though.I would hate to cause such frustration for you that would not find your work worthwhile.It's cumulative, Lu. It's not you. I want too badly to make a difference. And sometimes I feel like I'm making things worse in my own small way, rather than better in my own small way. And then I try to be okay with that but ultimately I don't want to hurt people. It disillusions me when I think maybe that's what I'm doing.Thank you for opening up to me like this. It really gave me a lot of perspective on our discussion, where you're coming from, and where others might be coming from too. And it's made me think about myself and where I'm coming from and why. I don't have those answers, but it's good to consider the questions.

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